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post #1 of 28 (permalink) Old 04-09-2012, 02:45 PM Thread Starter
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can any of you help me with my grieving daughter

My daughter is 19 and this weekend her friend was killed in a car crash out of state. She spent Saturday with her group of friends and Easter Sunday with us. She is now back at school and is really having a hard time dealing with this. Truth be told, so am I. I have been crying for 3 days now and I need to not cry when she calls. I also really don't know what to say. The hurt is not going to go away overnight. When she called me she was sitting on a bench in the lot next to her sorority house.

She is very good friends with this boy. She is feeling bad because the last time she saw him was at Christmas break. She wishes she could have said good bye and of course she is wondering why this had to happen.

I got all the information about grief counseling at her school and she said that she might go after class tomorrow. She just wants to be home. She has finals in a couple of weeks and I am hoping that she can focus enough to keep her grades up.

I have never known someone to die so tragically and I really want to be strong for her and help her.

Lynne-Lizzie's mom
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post #2 of 28 (permalink) Old 04-09-2012, 03:35 PM
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Lynne, I don't really know much about grieving, but wanted to say that I am deeply sorry!

For what I have heard and read, crying is good, allowing your mind the time and means to grieve is good.


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post #3 of 28 (permalink) Old 04-09-2012, 03:43 PM
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Arrow Kubla-Ross; On Death and Dying

That book is a classic, and might be of some assistance to you, though it's old as the hills. You might investigate what else your local public library has on the subject. You could also ask the reference librarian for assistance locating useful materials.

GOOD idea to use grief counseling at the school; please really encourage your daughter to go.

I'm so very sorry for your daughter's loss, and for the boy's family and other friends. No question; it's really hard. It's so senseless.

One aspect is, it's difficult if you feel you have to fight your crying; and fighting it makes it more difficult to stop crying. There are times when unashamed crying is good.

Mon, 9 Apr 2012 12:43:10 (PDT)

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post #4 of 28 (permalink) Old 04-09-2012, 03:48 PM
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Hi Lynne, I'm so sorry to hear that.... My son lost his best friend last year. Although he did come home and grieve with his high school group (they were all devastated as were all of us parents) and speak at his service, he did have to go back to school and I think that helped actually.

He spent time with his friends, told them about Kellan and even this year when some of his old friends came to visit his new friends knew how important Kellan had been to him and his friends.

But the best thing was that he had a new life that he had created at school and I think it was better for all of them that they got to back to their new lives instead of being here.

So my advice I guess is to look to her new friends for comfort, time does heal although it took a long time for Sam. And I did cry with Sam on the phone, I didn't hold back how could we, he was like a brother to Sam and a son to me. Still tear up now just thinking about him.

take care, Laura

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post #5 of 28 (permalink) Old 04-09-2012, 04:02 PM
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The same thing happened to me in collage. My friend was on a rafting trip and dove of a rock and hit bottom and broke his neck and drowned. And then later in life my best friend died of cancer its a hard thing to have happen. I'm sorry she lost her friend it will just take time. Collage is hard enough during finals. The grieving counselor is a really good idea. I hope she can pull it together to study. Is spring brake after that?

Maddie at 5mo old
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post #6 of 28 (permalink) Old 04-09-2012, 04:06 PM
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Hi Lynne, I am so sorry for your daughter's (and his own family's) untimely loss. On Death and Dying is a great book. Know that grief must pass through stages and anger is one of them. Right now your daughter may be just overwhelmed with many things in her school life. She might feel guilt at not seeing her friend before he died. Talking to a grief counselor could help tremendously. All of her emotions are natural.

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post #7 of 28 (permalink) Old 04-09-2012, 04:12 PM
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Maybe a grief counselor at school can help. It's possible she can get a note from a medical doctor or a school counselor to come home and reschedule her finals. She can take an "incomplete" and take the finals later.

Some college professors are understanding and some aren't, so check the school policies. There's nothing wrong with her coming home if she's never dealt with this before.

If her friends and family are grieving, it will be challenging to comfort each other. I would suggest she speak with a grief counselor soon.
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post #8 of 28 (permalink) Old 04-09-2012, 04:52 PM Thread Starter
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She is feeling very guilty about not seeing him before his death as well as wondering how she can go through her daily routine as if it is normal. They went through stages where they kind of dated, then he liked her and she didn't, and she liked him and he didn't. She told me that she hopes he knew how she felt about him. I know she was very excited to see him in two weeks.

She wants to be home with her HS friends, but I told her it might not be good for them to all sit around wallowing in grief. She does have a good friend from high school at college that could not hang out with her tonight, but is going to tomorrow after classes. I will try to get her to go to the grief counselor.

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post #9 of 28 (permalink) Old 04-09-2012, 05:14 PM
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I am so sorry for you and your daughters loss Lynne ((((HUGS))))
I wish there was something someone could say to make things easier or better, but sadly there isn't. It is a process and unfortunatly some of the feelings will never go away.
I lost my dad suddenly recently and as time goes on it actually gets harder not easier... everyone says "time will heal" but for me it seems time hurts because my kids are growing up, I am living my life and while my dad was here I never took the time to let him know how important he was to me. Now I will never get that chance. I miss him more than I could have ever imagined. The guilt is horrible. The 'what ifs' ... I struggle, wishing I could have KNOWN somehow, could have called him and let him know I loved him and forgave him, wish I could have said goodbye. Wish I could hear his voice one last time.

I hope your daughter will be able to forgive herself and move on knowing that there was no way she could have known what would happen. I also highly agree with her getting some greif counciling... (((HUGS)))

Tammy and Tillie
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post #10 of 28 (permalink) Old 04-09-2012, 06:47 PM
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I am so sorry to hear what happened and what your daughter is going through! I am a School Guidance Counselor. My best advice is to encourage her to talk to the counselors there. Unfortunately, it is going to take time for her (and you) to come to terms to what has happened. She needs to know that she can be sad and grieve and it will take some time for her to go t through the stages of grieving. You are doing everything right by being there for her and encouraging her to talk about it.

**Karen, Mom to Brady, Dugan, and Devon
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